"Behold the turtle. He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out." James Bryant Conant, Chemist and President of Harvard University
August 26, 2015
By: Linda Case Gibbons
It was a depressing day in Turtleville. Well, not so bad as in Left-Wing-Hillaryville, but nearly as bad.
The Tortoise wasn't doing so well in the polls, and it was easy to see why. All you had to do was look at him and you knew he was, well, a Tortoise, and a poorly dressed one at that.
From his limp dress shirt, to his halting speech and bland, panic-stricken face, you could tell he disliked being hurried and, actually, disliked running for office at all.
As a consequence, when Tortoise made a speech, he often had to clarify what he'd said a couple of times to explain what he really meant.
"Slow and steady wins the race," had always seemed tried and true. After all, it's how Tortoise got his fifteen minutes of fame in the first place.
But if you had to choose, wouldn't you rather have the "Energizer Bunny?"
Aesop always gave "The Hair" a raw deal. That bunny looked too active, too arrogant about his accomplishments and far too competitive. All he ever wanted to do was win, and that was considered to be a bad thing.
And Tortoise was always the good guy. He got it done, but it took him a while.
Some think that's the wrong message to take away from the fabled race.
If you think about it, when did "slow" win any race? And when did stopping in the middle ever win any race either?
They don't. You can be gifted, but slow and stopping ain't gonna' get you where you're going!
So when The Hair told crowds he isn't accustomed to being around low energy people, he was simply explaining the way his world works. He is involved in commerce and in that arena, if you snooze, you lose. So he keeps on going.
Tortoise, however, was in politics. His whole family was, in fact. He came from the Testudinidae family, noted tortoises, but he didn't use the family last name this time around. He was going out there as just "Tortoise."
Tortoise grew up in the political bubble, he explained, so that's why it is logical that he's slow at getting things done.
"Do you know how long it takes just to walk from here to the front door?" he demanded shrilly.
He has a point, but it only reinforces the obvious. If you want the job done, you need someone who is fleet of foot, otherwise the only thing you will ever hear from your elected officials is, "Can't do it. Bad year. Can't win."
If you are in politics, slow is the way to go, then campaign to get re-elected.
In fact Tortoise's brother used to call Tortoise "Tortoise" when he was a tyke, so taking it slow wasn't something that happened overnight. Tortoise has been doing that since he was a small turtle.
This whole Tortoise and The Hair situation presents an interesting point when taken in the context of politics, politicians and the government we've lived under for the past eight years.
Despite a majority in both Houses of Congress, Republican turtles have only two speeds: Slow and Stop.
Like Tortoise, they tell us what they can't do and what we can't do.
Case in point: Tortoise, following The Hair's lead, finally went to the Mexican-American border. Did he have a swift plan to suggest? A hopeful idea after his visit? What do you think?
He nixed The Hair's plan to build a wall.
"His proposal is unrealistic. It would cost hundreds of billions of dollars," Tortoise said, neglecting to mention how much it is already costing our country to support illegal immigrants once they run across the border and head for the nearest welfare office.
Bottom-line-Tortoise-message: "We can't."
And his chief concern, delivered in a speech entirely in Spanish, which was in and of itself both awesome, yet disturbing, was the civil rights of illegal immigrants! Sigh.
For eight years every agency of the government has been moving at a snail's pace, and we were accustomed to it until the "Energizer Bunny" came on the scene. He took everyone by surprise.
Up to that point, from the president on down to the military, slowness and "We-can't-do-ness" had been spreading like the flu.
Republican turtles have a speaker who shows remorse when he doesn't deliver, by crying, frequently. And our military leaders have been tempered by the administration into playing it safe.
"ISIS?" they say. "Nah, we can't wipe them out. It'll take years."
Like Hillary in Left-Wing-Hillaryville, Tortoise has trouble talking about current issues until The Hair brings them up. Like immigration. Like anchor babies.
And when Tortoise did talk about anchor babies, he had to correct his words. Originally he talked about Mexican anchor babies, but then he changed that to say what he really meant to say was Asian babies.
He may be slow, but he's politically correct.
And turtle women's health? Well, the first time Tortoise made a statement, he messed up, then he corrected it. But even after he explained it, we weren't sure what he meant. It didn't seem he did, either.
For some, winning the race is all it is about. For others, it's about making America great again.
It's like the race between the Tortoise and the Hare, except this time the bunny doesn't plan on stopping mid-race.
Hold the line, America.