"Will you walk a little faster?” said the whiting to a snail. ‘There’s a porpoise close behind us, and he’s treading on my tail. See how eagerly the lobsters and the turtles all advance! They are waiting on the shingle – will you come and join the dance? Will you, won’t you, will you, won’t you, will you join the dance?’” - Alice in Wonderland, The Lobster Quadrille
December 18, 2013
By: Linda Case Gibbons
It’s that time of year. Greens and reds. Evergreens and holly. There’s eggnog and bustling people decking their halls.
There’s snow, if you’re lucky and always the joy that Christmas brings. But there’s also that inventory you start taking.
You wrap a gift and think, "So this is Christmas, and what have I done???”
You trim the tree and spot an ornament that your kid made when he was seven and you think, where did that little boy go?
And you wish your husband was there to hang the ornaments that you chose together, years ago, with care.
But if you’re one of the lucky few, you can still hear the sweet sound of the Christmas bell, the bell you heard when you were a child. If it still rings for you, it rings as it does for all who truly believe.
Maybe you’ve been good. That’s good; that sews up the present thing from Santa. But maybe you’ve been naughty, or maybe really good at not being good at anything. Uh, oh!
Because he does see you when you’re sleeping. He does know if you’ve been bad or good. No, I don’t mean the NSA. I mean Santa.
And he meets his deadlines. December 25th is the date, no ifs ands or buts.
He would never dream of missing the October 1 Obamacare website roll out and sign-up date.
And he would never even think to take presents away from some children and give them to others, leaving most without coverage, I mean presents.
No, Santa is an equal gift-giving-opportunity Santa. But this year, I must admit, he’s been distracted.
Santa, like Matt Roloff, the reality star of Little People, Big World for instance, lost his healthcare coverage this year. Yes, I know, it’s hard to believe.
Now as you know, Santa and Mrs. Claus are elderly, well he’s about 1700 years old. I’m not sure about her. And yes, he’s what you would call "sprightly,” and so is she, ably baking cookies and looking out for all those elves as she does. (I think she also has a veterinary degree, you know, reindeer and all that, but she’s mostly depicted as a stay-at-home wife.)
Anyhow Santa got "The Letter.” Unlike Matt Roloff who unfortunately underwent fifteen surgeries because of his dwarfism when he was a little kid, Santa is in good health. He exercises and eats well…except when he’s scoffing down mugs of milk and Christmas cookies, of course, but he only does that to be polite.
No, he’s been busy combating rumors about him, you know "the little round belly that shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly,” and the pipe and "the smoke that encircled his head like a wreath.”
That was so yesterday. Lately he’s really been watching his carbs.
But none of that matters. Whether you’re sick or not, it doesn’t matter when it comes to the new, improved healthcare policies.
So understandably Santa was bent out of shape worrying about that whole issue for himself, Mrs. Claus and the elves, but the reindeer in particular who, by the way, are no spring chickens, either.
It might make a good Gene Autry Christmas song, but the fact is Rudolph has a pre-existing condition.
The Claus’ have been taking Rudy to a specialist since the other reindeer didn’t let him "join in any reindeer games.” That was a long time ago. But they found a good doctor, they like that doctor and they wanted to keep that doctor.
But they can’t. The specialist isn’t on the Obamacare roster of Arctic doctors. Worrisome.
Back to the elf problem.
To begin with, it’s crunch time at the North Pole which is stressful enough with Christmas right around the corner, but to make things worse the elves have finally realized they’re going to carry the entire cost of the system on their backs. They’re younger and they will pay more and they just found that out.
Santa’s workshop is rife with resentment! It’s so thick, that to say you could cut the air with a peppermint stick is the understatement of the year. Yup, the elves are giving Santa the stink eye because they blame him! Not Obama!
He’s their employer! I know, we usually don’t think of it that way, but the IRS does.
For starters, Santa has more than 50 elves in his employ. Does he cut hours? He can’t! Does he lay off some? He can’t!
Then if Santa doesn’t pick up the tab for elfcare, he’ll have to pay the penalty and they’ll have to go out and get their own coverage which they probably can’t afford. So sue him! He pays minimum wage which is pretty good given the workshop’s location.
And when it comes to getting the presents in the sleigh, Santa’s elf count is down. Instead of working, they’re missing in action, working the phones, sometimes five, six hours a day trying to get on the Obamacare website without any success.
I ask you, how many toys can you make under those conditions?
It’s a mess…then add in the weather…and all those new computer games kids want…It’s a mess.
Santa scarce has time to do the kind of thinking he does this time of year.
Why just this week some California Democrat said Darrell Issa is too rich to even ask about Obamacare because he can’t understand how it impacts the poor.
So Santa had to think. Is Issa too rich to get a present from Santa? Then he had to research: Issa does have a net worth of several hundred million, but then again so did George Washington, $500 million to be exact. Did that mean the Father of Our Country shouldn’t have been on Santa’ list?
Oh, dear.
And so the questions kept whirling, in Santa’s and everyone else's heads.
"Will you, won’t you, will you, won’t you, will you join the dance?” he wondered. What choices are there? What to do?
Used to be Santa looked forward to New Year’s Eve like everyone else, but not this year. If Obama thinks he’s tired, he should take a gander at Santa’s countenance. And Santa can’t jet off to Hawaii and leave his problems behind.
There are people counting on him.
It’s said that some heard Santa say, "Man, I don’t need this!” but I can’t disclose my source. I’ve heard other small business owners say the same thing, but Santa?...
So the question is, does Obama deserve a present from Santa?
Santa’s been pondering: One of Obama’s "accomplishments” during his administration is the creation of a Black Market in light bulbs, he thought, since he phazed out incandescents.
That’s not good.
Another was Obamacare, but even Obama doesn’t want his name attached to it anymore, he thought. Why? Because the whole world is laughing at it.
Oh, dear.
Santa continued his musing. Ah hah, he thought! That’s it!
Some people are good at not being good at anything he thought!
True, Obama lied about keeping your doctor and lowering premiums and deductibles, a fact Santa knew all too well, but the way Santa chose to view it was at least Obama was consistent.
He unconstitutionally revised what Democrats used to call "The Law of the Land” so that Santa’s elves might or might not be off the hook by claiming a "hardship exemption,” it’s true.
And he revised the employer mandate exemption, unconstitutionally, too, so that Santa might be off the hook, for a while.
It was as nonsensical as Alice in Wonderland, all of it, he thought!
Finally Santa decided to be the change he wished to see.
He’d bring Obama presents and place them under his Hawaiian tree, because he was unable to do anything else given his background and belief system.
There were people counting on him.
And I heard, from my source, that Santa decided to just forget about the healthcare problem and do nothing right now.
Just like Obama.
But unlike Obama, Santa was going to keep his word and do his job.
After all, he knew there were people counting on him.
Hold the line, America.